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October 15, 2019 - 9:30 am


I'm struggling with a lot of things at this point. Maybe writing them down will help to gain a different perspective.
P4P is on Saturday. I don't want to go. I don't want anything to do with Pound right now. And I've realized why. It is a reminder of all the things that have gone wrong this year and how I have failed. I can't even get paid. No update from the hit and run and clearly, being a fitness instructor is not my future. I've lost my passion. Picking up my stix is painful for me because it hurts to no longer want to do something that I loved. I've fallen off the radar, ignoring messages about Saturday. i went to the practice last week. It was fine, but I didn't want to be there. They wanted to practice again on Saturday. I didn't show up.
My pool? The thing I worked so hard on this summer to keep beautiful. I devoted so much time and energy to making it sparkle is green. I've been struggling since last week to turn it around. It's like I had ONE JOB to do and I couldn't even do that right. I feel like such a failure at this point and I don't know what to do.

And then I think about last year and how depressed I was about not being able to get a job and how I felt like a failure and I had come so far and was so happy by July and now it's just slamming down again on me full force. I am so grateful for the love and support that Jay has for me. I honestly don't know what I would do without him in my life, and my girls too.

So here I sit at 9:30 am on a Tuesday crying my eyes out with absolutely no idea what my next move is. I'm not worried about money or paying bills. I'm worried about what my life's purpose is. I guess this is why middle age men cheat on their wives and buy sports cars?

The only thing that I haven't given up on is my troop. It's been a struggle, but I seem to be pouring all of my effort into that, maybe because I find it fulfilling to help shape lives and give them possibilities? I wish somebody could pay me to do this and I can just make it my job. And no, I don't want to be a teacher!

previous - next

lost - November 18, 2019
Busy Girl Scout week - November 11, 2019
amplify - November 04, 2019
catch up- catch up - October 30, 2019
early anniversary celebration - October 21, 2019