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May 09, 2020 - 7:15 am

eff 40

Here are the positives that came from yesterday
-the girls made me awesome cards
-jade put her plate in the dishwasher without being asked (probably the best out of all of these)
-cadence baked me a cake
-took a 2 hour nap in the middle of the day because I couldn't sleep the night before
-picked up the car from having the ppf replaced (for free) from where that ass hit me on 9/10 at lifetime fitness. And also got a full detail.
-Jay picked up wendy's chicken biscuit breakfast with a smoothie
-took zumba toning with Beth so I got to 'see' her on my birthday
-texting with Brooke on my way home from scottsdale (all hands free of course)

I'm trying to focus on the positive, not the negative. I cried myself to sleep at 9pm because I just couldn't take any more birthday. And it's not even about being quarantined or not being able to go or do something.

It's about being 40 and not feeling like I am ready to be 40.
Like I should have all of the boxes checked off already
-drinks coffee
-wears makeup
-gets dressed
- has established career path
- financially secure
- able to enjoy life with vacations and possessions

I mean I guess I have a few checked off
- house
- family

I look at where my mom was at 40. Raising two kids on her own for all of her 30's, didn't graduate college but got a high paying job to support her family, house, kids, family vacations, financially prepared for the future. The woman had her shit together.
And me? I'm bawling my eyes out sitting her typing this because I feel like I don't.

20 year old me certainly didn't see 40 year old me married with two girls, unemployed, living in a house in Arizona. 20 year old me wanted a high paying career in NYC with a condo in NJ, some adopted kids and a live in girlfriend.

I'm not saying I'm not happy with what I have, because I am. But I just don't think that I've done enough. I'm not the responsible grown up adult that I'm supposed to be and all I can think is how disappointed my mom must be with me.

previous - next

and it got worse - June 02, 2020
may is over, thankfully - May 31, 2020
still trying - May 26, 2020
trying - May 25, 2020
distractions from the elephants - May 19, 2020