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September 05, 2009 - 7:09 pm so i wanted to write a couple of times and just catch up, but now i have something more important to write about. I am starting to get this feeling that Jay & I aren't going to make it... and well, that scares the crap out of me because he and Cadence are all I have. But lately it seems like we are just going our separate ways in life. We used to do everything together and go everywhere together. Now we barely speak or see each other. I wanted him to make friends here. That was really important to me because I knew he gave up a lot to come out here and try this with me. I never thought that I wouldn't have any friends. I don't remember when the last time my phone rang and it was someone calling me up to say hi. I need to get out and meet people, but how can I when I am always stuck at home with Cadence? It's not fair to me. It's not that I'm mad at Jay BECAUSE he goes out, I'm mad because I don't get to go too. Last week I went to NJ for two days for work. It was actually really nice to 1- be away from cadence for two days and not be worried about her, and not getting woken up by her in the morning 2- actually TALKING to people. I haven't spoken to so many people since last year. I went out to Friendly's with Jeff, Anthony and Michelle E. I went out to dinner with Beth, and then just hung out at her house with Julie and her dad for an hour or so. We went to visit her aunt who was in ICU, which was really important to her. Thursday, I had Mikey pick me up from work and we just went to Atlanta Bread for a snack and some talk time. I hadn't seen him since the WSOU anniversary dinner last March, so that was extra special. I only spent maybe an hour and a half with him, but it was just nice to catch up. I do still want to look for and get another job- by end of January, before Laura goes on maternity leave. I just don't feel like looking. Lot of nights I just don't feel like doing ANYTHING. It's such a beautiful night so I at least wanted to sit outside, but I'm getting eaten alive by bugs. Oh well. Last weekend, Jay asked me if I wanted to and I told him no because I had my period. I was thinking that we would this weekend, tonight even, especially since I'm off monday, but no mention of it. Guessing he didn't bring it up because of my back.... I don't know. I would have enjoyed it, but would it have resolved anything? no...i I think about my mom a lot. I dream about her, just doing normal things- like shopping or whatever. I'd say at least 3 or 4 nights out of the week she's the last thing I think about before I go to bed. I miss her so much still. Just for her advise her listening ear, a sounding board... Sometimes it just seems like she's still in NC and I haven't spoken to her in a while. I forget that she's gone forever and I won't get to speak to her again. I just hope she's proud of me, and can see that I'm trying so hard to make the right decisions and do what's best for me and my family. Well I guess that's it. I'm crying so hard I can't even see what I'm typing archery instructor aka wonderwoman - September 25, 2017 |