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September 07, 2017 - 2:06 pm

trying to remember, and wishing I could forget

Why didn't I want to two weeks ago? Simple. I don't want to over do it. I don't want to lose the specialness that it has. Not to mention: I hate when I wake up in the morning.

Cadence is doing EH in school and it's so frustrating for me. Like why is she a bad student? I never did bad at school so the concept is really hard for me to grasp. I try and help her but she gets angry. I tried to help her with her book report, she started crying. i told her if she gets a C on her report card, I will take away everything that is important to her so she can focus on school, including GS. She decided to rewrite it and we got a 100%!

Jade is doing well, but she got the letter that she needs help with her speech- big surprise there LOL. Hopefully they can work with her at the school level and I don't have to pay for anything. She's smart- you just can't understand her sometimes.

And I know this is random and off topic, but that's usually how I roll.
Lately I've been thinking about when I was 9 a lot and how my asshole grandfather raped me. How I thought I was going to die before my 10th birthday because I knew that you are pregnant for 9 months and I knew I was too small to have a baby so it would probably kill me. What I didn't know is that you had to get your period to get pregnant. But I remember counting the months on my calendar. We had just started learning about that body stuff in school. I didn't know. I remember bits and pieces of the incident, but not all of it. My subconscious blacked it out for obvious reasons. I wish I could forget the entire event. It nags at me that I only know some of the details. I think it's been on my mind more because Cadence is that age. I'm pretty confident that she is lucky enough that this didn't happen to her, but maybe something has- I don't know. She goes to camp and sleepovers on occasion. I can't say for certain. I'm sure she wouldn't say anything if it did happen. I can barely get her to talk about anything. And hell, I didn't tell my mom until I was 14, but it was HER FATHER so 1) I didn't want to hurt her in that way and 2) I figured she'd think I was lying. I'll never know if she believed me or if she ever said anything to him. It was swept under the rug like most things in our family, and with her sudden death, left many questions unanswered for eternity.

I think that's one reason why I'm hesitant with doing things with Jay. When we do, I don't quite remember things. Or I do, but they don't seem real. I don't like that feeling of not knowing. It scares me.

I know this is generally not what I write about but it's been on my mind and sometimes getting it out helps and I needed to get it down because it's important to me.
I've been writing here for 15 years now. Almost half my life.
I WISH I kept my journals that I had before this one. When Jay & I moved in together I threw them out because I didn't want him to feel like I was keeping them to look back on my ex's and that crap. I don't care about that, it's the other memories that are gone. School friends, family. I have not many pictures growing up. Maybe there are still in NC, but I doubt it.

previous - next

no meds for me! - October 25, 2017
Back from Vacation - October 16, 2017
Double digits - October 02, 2017
archery instructor aka wonderwoman - September 25, 2017
missing jay! - September 15, 2017