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September 01, 2004 - 6:20 pm hmm so I think Jay might be upset with me from what I told him last night. See yesterday Jill texted me. She's this girl that I started talking to just as a friend. We both have boyfriends and not a lot of friends and we have a lot in common. Sometimes we talk online or we text. We haven't talked on the phone or met or anything like that. I just wanted to find some new friends because I have none and I think about when we get married, who am I going to ask to be a bridesmaid? No one-- because I have no friends. It's depressing. But anyway, he asked and I told him because I don't want him to lie to me so I am not going to lie to him. And there is nothing going on but friendship. But later on last night I told him how I felt about the whole girl/guy thing and this is it. Yes I am attracted to girls and guys. Sometimes I wish I wasn't. Actually most of the time I wish I wasn't, but that's not who I am. I love Jason more than anything. He is the only guy I want to be with. He is the only PERSON I want to be in a relationship with, the only person I want to have a future with, the only person I want to have a family with and the only person I want to grow old with and die with. I don't even think about looking at another guy because I am completely satisfied with my man and who he is. No other guy can come close. But a girl happens to have certain parts that he doesn't. It's nothing any one can change. And yes, the thought has crossed my mind on occasion about finding a girl to fool around with and nothing more. I don't want to have any sort of relationship with them- in that way I am more than 100% satisfied with Jason. But I would NEVER do that behind Jason's back because it is cheating. And I would never do it if he did not approve. And since I never asked him if it was ok, I never will do it because as far as I know, I don't have his permission. Is it wrong to fantasize? I can't help it. It's not like I go around looking at porn or anything like that. Even if I did have permission, I wouldn't want it to be a threesome because I'd be afraid of the girl getting attracted to him or vice versa. I know a very long time ago like when we first started dating he had mentioned something to me and how the only girl who he'd want it to be would be his ex- I think the one who moved to florida or something like that. I don't think I would think about it as much if I hadn't been with a girl before, but since I have, I know what it's like- what it feels like, what it tastes like... But honestly, I am happy with my decision. And if I have to sacrifice that part of me to keep the one that I love, than I am willing to do so. SO I tried to explain this to him last night and I don't know if he understood. Cuz he got kinda quiet and fell asleep. I didn't want to hurt or upset him, but just tell him how I felt and let him know that I would never leave him for another girl or cheat on him with one. I'll admit, before these feelings of love developed, I would've stopped hanging out with Jay and got back together with Beth if she had asked, but then our relationship grew and developed into something that I could have never imagined and I am so glad that I didn't have the opportunity to miss out on something that has made my life worth living. And now I have to sit here by myself for 2 more hours and all I want to do is cry because I miss him when he's not here. archery instructor aka wonderwoman - September 25, 2017 |