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March 22, 2008 - 3:25 pm a looming birthday ok so it's been almost two months since I've last written. I just can't seem to find the time. Work consumes 1/3 of my day, and then when I come home, all I want to do is spend time with my baby girl. This leaves no time for chores, cleaning, paying bills, surfing the internet, showering, etc etc. Jay is absolutely no help at all. He did two loads of laundry this weekend- put them in the washer and dryer. Who got stuck folding them and putting them away? Me of course. I need to get out of this house for my own sanity. I can not stand to live here much longer. I feel that it's straining our relationship too. I don't even care if we move to arizona, I just want to move someplace that we can afford, that we can be happy with (and no that is not the woods in the middle of pennsylvania). because I am not communting an hour + to work every day- that is just plain STUPID. Cadence is growing up fast, staring to crawl around, eating fruits and veggies and cereal and babbling. No teeth yet. One more week and I'm going to start weaning, which will probably be as painful as hell, but I Can't keep it up much longer. I want to sleep more than 3 hours at a time a night. I think I did pretty damn good- almost 100% exclusive breastfeeding for 6 months straight, given the circumstances surrounding these past six months, I think I deserve some sort of award. Tomorrow is easter sunday, and my mom's birthday- 55 double nickles. We were supposed to be in north carolina this weekend. It is really eating at my brain. She's been gone almost 9 weeks and not a day goes by that I don't think about her and miss her. I really am sad deep down inside so I keep myself busy with routine crap to keep my mind from wandering, but at night, all I can do is think think think. I've been having some pretty vivid dreams lately about my mom- how she told me that I'd be joining her soon, clear as day I remember that. Jay doesn't understand me at all anymore. He doesn't understand how I feel about my mom's death. I try to explain it, but if you've never experienced something like it, then you just won't get it. He also doesn't understand how much I've sacrificed with Cadence... I've given up my body- I hate the way I look now, I've given up drinking and other bad things (not that I'd do them often, but a sacrifice nonetheless), I've given up sleeping through the night- I haven't slept 8 full hours since September 27th-- I've given up working late- I HAVE to leave on time so that I can get home so his mom can try to go to sleep, which she never does. I've given up going to the gym, and that was one hour that I really enjoyed, but how am I supposed to go do that now? I've sacrificed a chunk of my paycheck for health insurance. What has Jay given up, or changed in his life for his daughter? NOTHING I told him the other day that I feel like a single mother becuase I do everything. I think it really upset him, but it's true... I'm starting to crack and I don't know how much more I can take. I love my daughter. I wouldn't trade her for anything of the world. I would never take back having her or being a mom. All I want is a little goddamn help! A little courtesy. A little help without having to ask for it. If I didn't have her, I don't think I would have been able to deal and continue to deal with my mother's death in the way that I am now. She is my reason for getting up in the morning and functioning. Cliff notes: I miss my mom Jay needs to step up his game Cadence is the strength that keeps me going. previous - next archery instructor aka wonderwoman - September 25, 2017 missing jay! - September 15, 2017 trying to remember, and wishing I could forget - September 07, 2017 completely overwhelmed - September 05, 2017 16 girl scouts - August 25, 2017