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December 31, 2021 - 10:33 am

winter break comes to an end

I was trying to figure out where I was 20 years ago today. I didn't have a significant other, specifically. It was somewhere in between messing with miller and the one that ghosted me a year and a half ago now. I'm sure I just stayed at home and went to sleep.
Next year, I'll know where I was 20 years ago and every year since then.
It just seems a bit odd to me.
Unless there isn't a next year.
I don't know if anyone reads this. I know at some point, some people did. I wish I still paid for a subscription so I could make certain entries private,but at the same time I don't care.
Don't get me wrong, I've come a long way since age 14.I have 2 children who I would never hurt like that. After my cousin did what she did, I saw things very differently.
I've never seen a doctor (parents to embarrassed to admit any problem) don't take any meds (and don't want to) but I know there's something not quite right in my head. Hasn't been since I was 9.
Most days it's just a faint buzz, but lately my thoughts have become more prominent. I don't want to leave this world, but finding comfort in self harm has become so appealing. I haven't acted on it because I know that there are other ways to find comfort. But it's been nagging me. I lay awake at night and that's what clouds my thoughts. Needless to say, sleep hasn't been easy.
I'm on autopilot lately, going through motions but not feeling emotions. I'm trying to wake myself up from this state.
Over 3 years I've been looking for happiness and purpose in my life. It continues to elude me. A recent book I read said that my "element" might not be my full time thing, just something I do I the side. It kinda pissed me off. Why? Why do I have to subject myself to the unwanted to do something that is meaningful?
I'm so tired of being frustrated, wandering, feeling purposeless, a failure as seen by others. I don't know how to get out of this canyon. The more I try, the deeper I fall.

And I realize this is not my typical day-to-day rantings, but sometimes it just helps to get it out.

I don't know what 2022 has in store for all of us. I have a feeling it is going to be something life-changing though, but I don't know if it's going to be good.

previous - next

winter break comes to an end - December 31, 2021
christmas - December 26, 2021
countdown to christmas - December 21, 2021
I'm right on top of that rose! - December 16, 2021
walking to the vet - December 03, 2021