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May 02, 2019 - 11:55 pm

120 more hours

I can't sleep so I was up folding laundry and since there's a lot swirling in my mind, thinking if I get it all down, it might help.
Last week at work was simply awful. Every morning I left the house with tears in my eyes as I kissed my family goodbye. I just can't do this job anymore.
This week, I wasn't so sad. It was replaced by complete exhaustion. I honestly don't know how I could drive to work without Autopilot. My life has been on autopilot lately. 4 10 hour days... cram everything into Friday. Girl Scout blurs, repeat.
I've made up my mind. I am giving my notice on Wednesday. It is a birthday present to myself. I'll finish up the Friday before Memorial Day, get paid through the end of May.
I'm writing this down because I need to spell it out and get it out of my head.
I am scared. Scared it won't work out. Scared I will never find a career that makes me happy. Scared to put the financial burden on Jay again. Scared that I won't get to enjoy life. We haven't gone on vacation or done any home improvements in a few years, just kinda surviving, and scrimping.
I feel bad for abandoning my job. I'm not a quitter. I like the people I work with (most of the time). The commute is easy. I like being around other adults and feeling a sense of company spirit. Once I leave for the day, there is no responsibility about working after hours and it's not a stressful job at all.
On the downside,
I took a pay CUT. I am micromanaged beyond belief. I don't like what I actually do all day. I don't feel like I or my job is actually important/matters/am needed. Even at Staples I felt like I was more important that I am here. I hate the hours (although next week I'm switching back to the ones i had- which I still didn't like). On Sunday night I count down the hours until the weekend.
Family comes first in my world. This job is taking away from my family. It is taking away from Girl Scouts (and making it feel like work, rather than something I enjoy). It is taking away from Pound. I practice in the car on the way to my Thursday night class. I never have time to learn new songs or I'm just too exhausted to bother.
I hated missing Cadence's event at school today.... and all the other things I've missed over the last 5 months.
Jay is amazing. Cooking dinner, keeping on top with the dishes and laundry, drop off and pick up. He's always supported me and I am so grateful. I would like to support him now. I know that he and his business is growing. I'd like to go work for him and see him succeed. I miss being around him all the time and I know he misses me too. We have always been together and now sometimes I barely see him, touch him, hear his voice...

I HATE that I am back in the same place that I was in last year. But at least I don't feel stuck.

It was a pretty emotional journey for me- leaving my job, all of the interviews, depression from all of the no's.... I don't want to have to go through all of that again.

Tomorrow (it is after midnight at this point) is Level UP. It's a new Pound training. Do I want to be gone all day from my family? no, not really. But this is the same way I felt about Generation Pound and look where that took me. I'm hoping this training will give me the confidence to go through with my decision.

previous - next

wish I could remember more! - June 09, 2019
getting organized while battling migraines - June 01, 2019
here we go again - May 25, 2019
one more week - May 17, 2019
hoping 39 is my year - May 13, 2019