July 15, 2016 - 10:43 am
I should have written earlier in the week. I wanted to, but couldn't bring myself to do it. I knew that if I did, I would turn into a giant mess.
I got a text from Stephanie Monday afternoon asking me what happened to Tara because people were writing condolences on her facebook wall. I looked and sure enough there were things like "RIP angel"... etc.
I began to freak out. I messaged some of those people to find out what was going on. I heard from Dan's cousin around 4pm that Tara died Monday 7/11 that morning. They had gotten back from Disney on Friday but she had gotten a cut on her foot that was infected. She was scheduled to have her gallbladder removed on Wednesday so they admitted her Sunday so she could clear up the infection before her surgery. She was up early Monday and alert. When asked how she felt, she said ok. Then she passed out and never woke up.
She was such a fighter! I honestly thought by now she was pretty much invincible, yet this made her seem so fragile. Since 1998, she has been fighting the effects of her diabetes. That's a long time to be fighting. I guess her body decided that it was enough, but she was just beginning. Didn't make it to her 3rd wedding anniversary. Didn't have time to finish decorating her house and her garden. But I guess it was time to go home to her mom and Kathy. I was so sad. I made Jay take Jade to swimming lessons so I could have an hour along and just cry. I cried so hard that by 8pm, I had a terrible migraine and just went to sleep. I still can't believe it. I spent most of my Tuesday looking through pictures. Can she really be gone?
I regret not getting to see her when we were there. Then I went through my email and realized 4 months had gone by since we last spoke. The last email I had from her was that she got her Girl Scout cookies and that it was in her marriage contract to share them with Dan. She had such an amazing talent with being able to see the good in any person and any situation. No matter how many lemons life threw at her, she just kept coming back with Lemonade and Lemon Pie and Lemon Chicken and anything else.
I had thought about flying out for the services but Cadence comes home today and I miss her and I just really want to be there for her. I weighed my decision and I think I can be able to say goodbye to her in my own way and feel closure like I would if I was there. And I know she would be ok with that because she knows how much my girls mean to me.
I'm already getting teary-eyed just writing this. It's been a hard week. I haven't felt great physically- tired, low back pain, hip pain, bloating; I haven't been to the gym; I've pretty much mentally checked out from everything.
I just want Cadence home so I can hug her.
Life's too short so eat dessert first. That was Kathy's motto. Tara told me that after she passed. Their family was just so special to me... and my mom. I remember my mom telling me she wanted to donate her eyes to Tara so she could see, but they couldn't because of her cancer. My mom would remind me to check in with her too. She cared for her probably as much as I did. I hate how life gets in the way of the important stuff. The everyday crap becomes the important stuff, not what really matters.
It's like I'm staring at a giant closet with shelves. All the day to day stuff is right there at eye level. That's what you see. That's what you need to take off the shelf often so you put it right in your reach. The chores, cooking, chauffering, routine tasks.
The friendships and the love gets put on the higher up shelves. Because well it's important and it's been there the longest. You know (or think you know) it will always be there. You don't throw it away because you'll still use it, but you don't need to get to it as often. It's in the back of your mind, but still there. You take them off the shelf when you have time or when there's not so much on the daily shelf that you need to concern yourself with. It may be dusty but it's still good.
But those are the things that should be at your eye level shelf and it's time to re-arrange the pantry. So what if you have to bend down and inconvenience yourself a little to get to your daily tasks. They aren't as important as you think they are.
Sorry if this analogy is weird or lame. It's just how I process.
I mean what do I write about most often? day to day stuff.... because everything else is status quo and unchanging. But everyday stuff doesn't matter as much to me as the important stuff like friends and family. It just happens to be what's at the front of my mind all the time.
Speaking of family, my brother's release date is 8/17/17 or something like that according to the Miami prison website. I had left a message for barbara and tibby about Tara. I know they were going to FL for the state trial but I don't know exactly what days and I haven't seen anything online about it.
previous - next
archery instructor aka wonderwoman - September 25, 2017
missing jay! - September 15, 2017
trying to remember, and wishing I could forget - September 07, 2017
completely overwhelmed - September 05, 2017
16 girl scouts - August 25, 2017