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October 12, 2015 - 10:53 pm

can't sleep

I can't sleep. I haven't felt well the past two days. Yesterday I pretty much slept until 2pm and then went to bed at 9. Today I managed to put in 7 hours but I feel awful. Nasal drip; Head feels like it's 1,000 lbs; scratchy throat. My stomach is feeling better and my headache has gone away.
Tried to lay down, but all I can think about is how fat I am and how my clothes don't fit anymore and I HATE IT. And then I close my eyes and I see images of lotus pods and Trypophobia.
There's just so much going on and I never feel like writing anymore. It makes me sad.
We had teacher conference today. Seems like she's doing fine. They don't use letter grades until 4th grade in this school. It's weird. I'm still not entirely pleased with this school but we'll see how things are going by January.
Work has calmed down a bit, which is good. Still busy enough but not crazed to the point where I want to rip out my hair. I'd still love a new job but I really haven't been looking.
We are approaching the 10 year wedding mark. It's crazy to think about that. Plans? Nope. Ideas for a gift? No. I don't even know if we'll be able to go out. Judy doesn't drive at night. On Saturday we went for a drive to Jerome with some guys Jay has met and done drives with recently- they all have high-end cars. Well this time I was able to go. We left before 7am and got home around 4. Cadence left around 2-2:30 for a birthday party. They had lowes building at 10, but it sounded like between 11 and 2, they did nothing and then Jade yelled the entire time Cadence was gone. Then when we got home, within 10 minutes she just left. Then we didn't hear from her all day Sunday. Geez really?! What is going to happen when we go to SEMA next month for 4 days?! It kinda pissed me off. She's been here almost 3 weeks already. They did NOTHING on spring break. I had to practically throw them out of the house. One day we went to N Scottsdale and did a pumpkin farm.
I have a LOT of time left. Like 10 days. But I'm not going to use it if there's no reason. I like to save some time for before Christmas for baking and decorating and shopping. I took off for the parade next month and 3 days for SEMA. Erik booked us the Aria. Expensive, but I hope it's a fun trip.
I'm really trying not to worry about money but it's at the back of my mind like always. We can pay the bills, but the AMEX is a black hole that I fear will never be paid off. I'm paying $700 a month on it and it doesn't make a dent. We also bought the couch, but that's 48 months no interest so it's about $100 a month and no incentive to pay it off sooner. Then I'm still paying off the rest of my surgery as well as Cadence's braces (which I had to pay another $600 because I didn't have the insurance half the time)

I've been sitting here for almost an hour and this is how far I've gotten. I can't concentrate. My mind jumps around. I feel like I have ADD. It's because this is how I have to work in order to get everything done during the day. Multi-tasking is an understatement.

I haven't been able to get up the last few weeks to go to the gym or running. Although, last week, I went with Jay 3 times in the late morning during my 'lunch hour'. I felt too awful to go today.

Cadence's birthday was fun. The party was really cute and the girls had a great time. For her birthday, we did building at lowes, then we went to the movies to see hotel transylvania 2 with lauren. Then we did some shopping at the mall and she used her build a bear and disney gift cards. Jade got some new sneakers. Then we came home. I don't even know what happened but she was being a brat to Jade or something and Jay yelled at her and then wouldn't talk to her the rest of the night. We went to an awkward dinner at Serrano's (Jay didn't order anything), then came home and had ice cream cake. Bryan was the only one who even came over. She opened her presents. It was kinda crappy. I tried not to spoil her day but then Sunday, Jay went out for a drive and she was acting that way towards me too. So I got why he was annoyed with her, as i was too. I had registered us to an event to watch the blood moon but then I didn't take her because I was annoyed. I wanted to go to a free gs workshop at the park that a Junior troop was sponsoring, more so to see how they completed the steps to earn the pets badge so I had ideas. She didn't want to do that either. It's like when grandma gets into town, she doesn't want to hang out with me and I'm not important anymore. I don't like that. It makes me feel crappy. Then the following weekend- same thing. I didnt buy the tickets but I bought the patches for the ASU volleyball game. We didn't go.

fuckthis i'm done for tonight. i'm in an even worse mood now

previous - next

archery instructor aka wonderwoman - September 25, 2017
missing jay! - September 15, 2017
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