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August 7, 2009 - 10:38 pm

i need a new wardrobe and a new body

Right now I am extremely depressed. I started packing for san diego and it took me two hours and I couldn't even find 6 outfits to wear that looked nice on me! My weight is around the same but I've become a lazy bastard and don't have time to work out so I guess 5 lbs of muscle converted itself to 10 lbs of FAT. I look like I'm pregnant again and I don't understand when this all happened. All I know is half of my shirts the sleeves feel too tight (but I have no fat on my arms and they don't jiggle when I wave) so I can only think that my shoulders biceps and armpit muscles are bigger from lifting cadence. The rest of my shirts are too tight around my belly or are too short or make my ribs stick out or my chest look flat.
I'm so frustrated because most of my clothes are 10-15 years old. I don't buy clothes too often because I can never find anything that fits and/or I don't like anything!!
I just broke out in hysterical tears tonight and when jay got home he picked up on my mood and asked me and then he said, well who do you have to impress? Its not about anyone- its about me! I don't like me anymore. I want the skinny me back. My body isn't the same shape it was, my boobs got smaller from breastfeeding, my hips got wider. I hate this me! And I don't have the time to join a gym let alone get in 20 minutes at home a few times a week to make me feel and look better. I miss going to the gym for 1-2 hours three or 4 nights a week. I really enjoyed it. It was my time for me. Now I don't even get out of pj's everyday and beush my teeth. I'm not taking care of me because I'm too busy taking care of everyone and everything else but I need to stop.
I'd like to go buy a couple of new things but money is tight, especially until we know unemployment got extended. We are also considering some plastic surgery so why spend money on clothes if they aren't going to fit right.

I just want this stupid estate settled so I can get what I put out and get some cash and pay off debts. Sell that house and lower our mortgage so we don't have to struggle each month. Things are starting to happen but everytime I take two steps forward, its one step back.
I gotta get to bed. Its been 530 wake up calls the past few weeks and its almost 11.

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