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September 14, 2008 - 9:03 pm 4 funerals and 3 weddings thus far this year so here's another update. Friday I went to funeral #4 for the year. My cousin (a true 1st cousin- 100% daughter of my father's brother) killed herself on Wednesday. We weren't really close, and the last time I saw her was probably at my baby shower (last time I saw any family really). What she did to make sure that she wasn't coming back was pretty extreme. My emotions are torn. I feel bad for her- that she felt that there was no other way and that life was soo horrible that she couldn't live anymore. On the other hand, I'm angry because she left behind a 17 year old son! Her SON! I could NEVER EVER take my own life now that I have a child in this world. How could you do that to your child? I love my daughter way too much to ever have to make her suffer through something like that. It just isn't fair. Besides the fact that she also left behind her husband, mother, father (who wasn't even AT the funeral, if that says anything), and a sister, along with other cousins, aunts, friends, etc etc. So a few years ago I hit a major slump when Jay and I were having problems, and I was close, but I didn't. That was probably the closest I've ever gotten. But now I couldn't even think of doing anything like that. This has been the toughest year of my entire life, and I've been depressed and sad, but I could never hurt Cadence in that way. I just toughened up, took it one day at a time, and got through the days and weeks and months after my mom died, and then relived it when Laura & Rachael's dad died, and then relived it again when Tara's mom died. When we move, I do not plan on coming out for funerals. I've had enough for a few years. I want to be happy. I want to be focused on my life and my family's life. I want to ENJOY life. October 3rd I'm getting on a plane and I don't ever want to come back to NJ. There's no one here that's really important enough to make me want to come back. Sorry to say it but that's how I feel. Yes I have "friends" and family, but I'm not close to any of them really so why even bother. My family is Cadence and Jay and I'm quite content with that. ps- we didn't close on friday because the paperwork wasn't done, but sometime this week, the house will be ours. previous - next archery instructor aka wonderwoman - September 25, 2017 missing jay! - September 15, 2017 trying to remember, and wishing I could forget - September 07, 2017 completely overwhelmed - September 05, 2017 16 girl scouts - August 25, 2017