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January 01, 2008 - 9:25 am
2008
today the scale said 101.2. I guess that's not soo bad for having a baby.
New years this year was not as great as the previous 3. I kissed jay at midnight, pumped a bottle, went into Cadence's room and said happy new year to my sleeping little girl, and went to sleep.
I sorta ended the year in a bad mood. I was going to give Cadence a bath and asked jay to help. I want him to do more in her life. I know she won't specifically remember, but her mind is so impressionable right now that you really don't know how things will affect her later in life through her subconscious. I want her to love her dad becaues I didn't have that in my life and he didn't have that either. I just think that family is so important.... Well, anyway, he said he'd be there "in a few minutes" (he was looking at stuff on the computer- always looking at stuff). I was finished and had cleaned up and he was still there. So I said something. It's not that I need help to give her a bath, but I just want to spend family time together. We both work and we only have a few hours at night where we are all together now. We can never get this time back. Once it's gone, it's gone.
I want to spend every minute of every day with my little miracle. I think she's so amazing and I can't help but stare and just start crying because she is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I don't want to miss a moment of her life or an opportunity to do something with her. I've put aside all of my wants and needs. I don't care if it's been 3 days since I've brushed my teeth or taken a shower. I don't matter anymore. It's all about HER. Everything I do is for her. I don't think jay's accepted that yet. He still seems to put his wants and needs before her.
She cant do anything by herself and is totally dependent on other people. She needs to be bathed, she needs to eat, she needs to be put down for naps, she needs to play (either by herself on her mat-- in close range, or interactively), she needs her diapers changed, she needs someone to pick out her clothes and dress her every day. This are all responsibilities that I have learned to accept and put before anything that I need to do for myself. I don't know if that's because I have the motherly instinct, or because I spent the first 10 weeks pretty much alone with her. So yeah, it does upset me that Jay doesn't feel the way that I do, or see things as I see them. Maybe it's just taking him longer, but that's why I want him to spend more time with her! Ok now just a quick thought on 2008. I'm not sure how good this year will be. I'd like to hope that it will be a lot less stressful than last year. Things to anticipate: Cadence growing up- the first year is the one with the most changes; my mom possibly dying. I hate to say it, but that's what the doctors are saying and I'm not going to live in denial. She's not well.; buying a house. Yes, I've said it for the past I don't know how many years. I don't care. This year IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN. I want a place to call our own. One goal for myself- to try to look the way before I got pregnant..
previous - next
archery instructor aka wonderwoman - September 25, 2017
missing jay! - September 15, 2017
trying to remember, and wishing I could forget - September 07, 2017
completely overwhelmed - September 05, 2017
16 girl scouts - August 25, 2017
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