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February 20, 2006 - 7:36 am
just a bad week
ok so i don't understand what is going on anymore. this past week was just bad. Friday was the worst of it, but really there were little fights all week long. Last night I asked if we were ok, if there was something on his mind that we could talk about. He said that everything was fine. I just have a gut feeling that this isn't true and something bad is going to happen. It just feels like we are distancing ourselves and I don't like it one bit.
Friday I really wanted to die. I haven't felt that alone and desparate in such a long long time. So long I can't remember exactly when, but I know it's happened.
Saturday night was awesome. Yes I said awesome. I got to give jay his valentines days presents and we had a great sexual encounter. I thought this might be the road back to normalcy, and sunday was ok until last night when we got into a little tiff about the car.
I'm not going to fight about money anymore because it's not worth it, but when I said that he should just take it easy for a little while with buying stuff for his car, he got mad.
Yes, I would love to do things to my car to change it, but there are other things in life that I want more- a family, a nice house, the title to my car. It's fun to have a nice car, but when I die I want people to remember me for more important things.
"She accomplished a lot in her life. She was a loving wife, an outstanding mother, a goal-oriented career woman who worked hard".... I don't want people to remember me for only my car,
"Oh yeah, she had that WRX that was all custom", and have my tombstone read "nice ride".
Ok maybe I'm exaggerating a little, but you get the point. What does it really give you? It can't possibly give you the same feeling as it would to become a proud homeowner, or the proud parent of a child. Maybe it does give you a sense of accomplishment, but it can't love you back.
I know he said that this would probably be the last show season and I'm sure he wants to go out with a bang, but once I get that money from my mom, this is my green light to go go go and get the hell out of this apartment.
I want to start OUR LIFE together and we just can't do that living here with all these interferences. We're not kids, we are married adults. Everyone always asks 'how's married life' and I always say it's just like living together life. Maybe if we were on our own, it would be different. I just don't want to go backwards in time and regress to dating life with secrets and fighting and insecurities. We finally got over all that and found the truth in each other. And now I'm late for work again.
previous - next
archery instructor aka wonderwoman - September 25, 2017
missing jay! - September 15, 2017
trying to remember, and wishing I could forget - September 07, 2017
completely overwhelmed - September 05, 2017
16 girl scouts - August 25, 2017
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