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February 17, 2006 - 7:36 am

no good bye; no i love you

so i don't know what has been going lately but i don't like it and it needs to stop. everything this week has been shit. monday our little fight, tuesday was ok, wednesday was ok but we slept most of the day, and yesterday was horrible. wednesday nite i locked the door because i am sick and tired of denise walking in here whenever the fuck she feels like it. i never liked it, and i want it to end. she has no LEGAL right to just walk in and out of our RENTED apartment. period. I did this after she came down while we were sleeping and she was screaming 'jay jay' because she felt the need to drop off a phone book. very important- needed to wake me up for that. well while she was down here she should have and could have taken the rent money, but she didnt- her bad. so yesterday morning she tried to come down here but the door was locked, so she called up jay at work screaming at him. i left the rent money under the door before i left for work. if she was gone by then, well that's not my problem. so when i called jay later on yesterday, he got mad at me because his sister yelled at him. she has no right to yell at him, and he had no right to get angry at me. he said maybe a total of 10 words to me yesterday. why? i don't know. what the fuck did i do? i tried calling him when it was 9 and i hadn't heard from him since 1130 that morning and i didn't get an answer. 1/2 hour later he tells me hes on his way home. ok fine. so he gets home, and i say 'hi'. he says 'hi' back and goes on the computer. no hug, no kiss, no acknowldging that i even exist. so i made myself a bowl of cereal for dinner because i hadn't eaten yet and went to bed. i should have slept on the couch cuz when 6am came this morning i had to get him out of bed and he didn't even fucking say goodbye to me. nothing. not one word.
do you know how much that hurts? i didn't even do anything wrong!
it is the worst feeling in the world. it hurts so bad that i wanted to cut myself today. i haven't felt this bad in a long long time. and when i start thinking like this, it just makes me feel worse. i don't want to go to work today and pretend like everything is fine. i want to leave this house and run away and not come back until someone comes looking for me...................

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