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October 20, 2004 - 6:48 pm

*sigh

ok just 1 quick update before i go play my new game:
Work has sucked lately. There's a lot of crap going on there and I'm just waiting for the climax where the shit's gonna hit the fan. I know my ass isn't on the line, but if my "team member" is getting fired, then that's gonna be a LOT more work on my part until they find a replacement so it is a major concern for me.
I've been eating at work lately, just because I don't like driving the civic if I don't have to. I mean I've gotten a lot better with the clutch and I feel a lot more comfortable with driving it, but I just don't trust the car- it sounds like it is going to fall apart and I need it in one piece until I get my car back. So I've been bringing lunch and eating with the girls (sandy, candy and e). It's nice because they really are my friends. Eventhough we don't spend much time together outside of work, I really can say that they are my friends and I could go to them if I have a problem with something.
Still waiting- I hate insurance. And I'm still not myself. I haven't cleaned- I don't want to- I don't care if there's a mess in the house- I don't care if the bed is made. It's like "what does it matter anymore" I don't want to live here anymore, no one ever comes over to visit me. Why should I even bother?
Jay's been smoking in the new car and I don't like that at all. Not the smoking part because that's just who he is and I love him, flaws and all. I don't like the fact that he broke a promise to himself. He made the promise that he wasn't going to smoke in the car. Then he made the promise that he was only going to buy a pack for the day and when it was done, that was it for the day. Now it's just like he doesn't care anymore and I am just getting a bad vibe from that.

And on top of that, Jay's upset with me for some reason or another and this has been going on for almost a week now. I don't understand what's wrong, or why he didn't want to come out to dinner with me and candace and dave. I really wish he would have. He never hangs out with me if I'm with my friends. I wish he would at least try to get to know them so I don't have to choose between hanging out with a friend and seeing him because I'll always pick him over anyone else. He's like a drug addiction- I can't get enough of him. I hate it when he's not around. I don't like going anywhere by myself anymore or doing anything alone. I used to go everywhere by myself- I used to drive to philly just to hang out by myself and take pictures for a day and then drive home and had a great time.
I keep asking him if he's mad at me and he keeps saying, should i be or why should i be and he shouldn't and i keep telling him that because I haven't done anything wrong. Ever since he found out about the spy thing, that was it- that was the last secret that I kept. I've been nothing but honest with everything because I just want the secrets to stop; they made a mess out of everything and I hate myself for doing it but I did and I can't erase the past or change it so I just have to live and learn from my mistake.
But that's it- I'm going to go jump around like a retard to corny music to get my mind off things and my spirits up- it's amazing what a little exercise does for the mind as well as the body- that's why I've been doing my 500 sit-ups every morning, no matter how cold it is!

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