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February 16, 2004 - 8:38 am so valentines day has come and gone, and I still don't know what to do. Every week that goes by, at least one day out of the seven I realize that I am not happy with my current situation with jason and I think about leaving. That can not be healthy. But you know what, I can't help it. Yeah I'm happy on the outside- we have our fun times, but where is the relationship going? Looks like a straight line to me, or even a decline. Why shouldn't I just give up now and get out??? Why should I stick around hoping that things will change? I shouldn't. That's the point. I know it and my closet friends know it. I have tried and tried and I don't think there's anything I can do to change the way jay feels about me. I just don't think he's physically attacted to me. Sure, at one time he might have thought I was "cute", but I was never beautiful or hot to him. I am not the greatest looking girl- I know that. I have a fat stomach and no breasts. I'm working on the stomach problem, but I can't do anything about the other and I've learned to accept that. I'm not going to get plastic surgery, as much as it would make my life easier to find clothes that fit-- I am not a fake person. I do not want to be dead 60 years from now and have a cororner cut me open and say "oh her's were fake!" This is what I was given and it is not my place to change it. The few extra pounds I gained in my belly I can work off, but I'm not going to go inserting fake substances into my body to change the shape. And I know physical attraction is not the basis for a relationship, but if you don't have that, the eye starts to wander and next thing you know there's someone else in the picture. Yes, I know Jason loves me- there is not a doubt in my mind, but I don't think he's in-love with me anymore. It's funny cuz I asked him the other night if he thought that things between us were getting better and he said yes. I'd really like to believe that, but I'm just not so sure. I'm sure I'd be fine on my own. I am ridiculously independent, sometimes too much for my own good. But that doesn't mean that I wouldn't miss him. Unfortunately I have a big flaw. I like making people happy. When I see a smile on someone's face and I know that I put it there- it just makes me feel like a person. Selfish as that may seem, but it's true. I wish I could make him truly happy, but I haven't been able to make anyone happy. There have only been 3 people that I have truly loved and I thought this time it would be different. 3 times a charm?... I guess I was wrong and I'm destined to live my life alone. I keep saying to myself that I need a reason- something concrete before I can just give up and walk away. If he could only see what is running through my mind all the time- archery instructor aka wonderwoman - September 25, 2017 |