index
older
add a note diaryland
|
November 24, 2002 - 11:54 pm hello diary. long time no talkie! lets see-- a few things have happened since i last wrote. Last saturday I went to see MSI with beth and mo. That singer is totally crazy and fun and it was awesome and im so glad that I went. I wasn't gonna go but then im just like fuck it i know ill regret it if i dont and i would've. The night would have been better if we didnt get lost in new brunswick looking for mo's boyfriend but well you cant have everything. I didn't get to jays until like 3 am. He was a little upset but he got over it. Sunday we didn't do much- went to the movies and saw HARRY POTTER... It was good. Everyone said the first one was better but i liked this one just as much. Skipping ahead to tuesday- jay's birthday. It was fun. Except for the part with the traffic and me taking an hour to go like 8 miles. Me Jay, Mike, Emily, Dom and Renee went to red lobster for dinner which was soooooooooooooooooooooo good!! mmmmmmm lobster. And then Me Jay mike and em went to the movies to see half past dead. I fell asleep in the middle a little because I was just sooooo unbelievably tired. I've never done that before. Wednesday I slept all night and danny is mad at me because I didn't come over. He'll get over it. I called and explained. Friday we didn't do much, saturday we didn't do much and today we put my fog lights in (so what if they are a little crooked) and washed the cars. For some reason there was this oily shit all over my car. I think it has to do with my brother and the "wash me" incident c;uz my car hasn't been washed since then cuz its been raining a lot. So it took hours to wax it all out but its nice and shiny now and so clean looking =) Jay's and Dom's cars look beautiful too. It was fun drivin to the car wash pimpin out the cars. But on a serious note, i have a little bit of a problem. I've been talking to some people about jay and how i spent $925 on his birthday gift and how I'm gonna buy him a stage four for christmas and people are saying "oh why are you spending so much money on this guy. Who knows if your gonna be together a few months from now?" and this is really upsetting me. When I first met jay, I wasn't sure if i made the right decision because I could've had chris with an 80 grand salary and a brand new bmw with a bunch of goals for the future and plans to buy a house, but I chose jay- the guy with no job and bills because I felt something for him. He seemed more right for me. Now all these people are putting doubts into my mind about how hes a bum with no ambition and how hes not going to make anything of his life and I'm wasting my time with him. But these past three months, I've managed to fall in love with him. Or at least I think--- Now I'm beginning to doubt everything. I don't know what love is. I never felt it before. I thought I loved mike, but he was a controlling asshole who used and abused me and I was a stupid kid who was in their first serious relationship. Then I thought I was falling in love with michele right before she dumped me but she was my first girlfriend and once again i was naive and stupid. Then I thought I loved bill and I really think I did- but only as a best friend cuz that is what he was to me. I would've done anything for him but you know what, all he would do was make me cry. When I'm with jay, I feel totally different. When I look into his beautiful blue eyes I just want to smile. I love to be near him; to cuddle next to him. It's totally different than when I was with bill so I don't know if what I'm feeling now was love or what was then was love or maybe neither is love. So sometimes I think that everyone is right and this is just a big waste of my time being with jay, but then I see him and he hugs me and the feeling goes away but when I come home at night and lie in bed, i can't help but think it. I feel awful doing this and I would tell him but maybe I'm just being silly. Maybe I'm trying to jinx myself as a defense mechanism because its just too easy. Maybe I just don't want to get hurt again. I know jay would never hurt me so I'd never want to hurt him. Maybe i just shouldnt worry so much about what other people think and just trust my gut for once. archery instructor aka wonderwoman - September 25, 2017 |