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September 13, 2002 - 11:10 am

jaysin

hmm diary i've recently become enlightened.

i mean i sit around and do nothing all day pretty much. we run around and go places sometimes but thats really it- never actually do anything too exciting. but this morning i guess you can say that i learned some things and they made me do thinking- thinking is always bad for me but not this time.

so i've come to realize that i'm not the only person in this world who has been deeply hurt by someone else. there are lots of us out there in fact. so i really need to stop being so selfish and self- centered and stop thinking that my life is so horrible because lots of peoples lives are horrible. as stupid and obvious as it sounds, i guess i never really looked at things this way.

I try to look out for me all the time and its definitely a good thing otherwise id proally would have gotten hurt a lot more, but its good to look out for other people too.

i dunno if i said this before but right before i met jaysin, i was convinced that i was a lesbian and i didnt want anything more to do with guys and now things are so different. i mean im still struggling with the whole guy vs girl thing but see i didnt even want to be with anybody. i liked being by myself, it was much safer that way. then i started hanging out with him a lot and he's really grown on me. i guess its inevitable since we are pratically together 24-7 and i really do like him. i didnt want to tho because i dont like commitment and i dont want to get hurt but you know what, i think im gonna let myself like him. he's a wonderful person, so why shouldnt i like him? because im afraid? maybe hes afraid too. maybe he has as much to lose as i do. so maybe i should be more optimistic. so maybe i should ask him if hes actually my boyfriend or not cuz i think id like him to be.

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