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May 06, 2002 - 11:42 pm

guys vs. girls

ok im actually gonna write a serious entry.

im not gonna quote songs or rant about how i hate my job. im actually gonna say whats on my mind for once. soooo.

ok i'm really torn on this subject. More than I ever have been I think, but i guess thats the problem you face when you're bisexual. Guys vs girls. When I first started expressing my interest in girls, it was more for physical pleasure, and well I had a girlfriend who loved to pleasure me. I hated the emotional and political side of it. I was embarassed almost to be seen in public with her because i was afraid of people talking. So i went back to guys, never fully satisfied with what I experienced. Then well the girl i was meant to be with for the first time finally ended up bein my girlfriend and i loved it. It wasnt the physical part of the relationship. It was the relationship itself that made it so great. The girl was wonderful. She had been a friend for so long- always there with a shoulder when any stupid boy hurt me, but then she broke up with me saying it didnt work out. Soo i went back to boys of course- saying this was the end- no more girls for me.. But as the months pass, i cant help but want to be with a girl. They are so much more understanding. They know what youre going through. The only thing a guy is really good for is a big strong hug. Sex is so not important to me and thats all guys think about- it seems. I mean they say they dont think about it constantly, but its likke every relationship i end up in, thats all it turns out to be. Case in point- im discussing this with someone right now.

Soooo all i want, and this is what i keep saying i want and never get it, is someone to cuddle with- to watch movies on the couch, go out to dinner, hold hands, stupid shit like that. I want someone i can feel comfortable around- someone i can sit in quiet with and not feel awkward. I want someone i can live with for the rest of my life and who i can raise my children with.

I thought i had this person picked out- twice- but i was wrong on both occasions. I'm always wrong. I get myself in stupid situations on purpose i think- just to see what i'll do- how ill handle it.

like tonight for example. I don't want to explain but i think i made a mess of things. I hurt my friend's feelings and that bothers me, cuz i dont have many friends from school or from anywhere for that matter.

So yeah- giant mess. I just want to be loved. I want to make someone happy by loving them so much and doing nice things for them.

I'm so glad that me and my ex are friends again. I've missed her so much. We are always on the same page and its great. I felt like a piece of me was missing when she stopped talking to me. There have been occasional awkward moments but not too bad.

I just wish i could find someone to do all that. I've been so anti-penis lately- its weird. I mean with every guy its sex sex sex. I can't fuckin stand it. I could probably go the rest of my life without having sex and i wouldnt care.I really wouldnt. I guess Im done now so im gonna go to bed.

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