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November 22, 2001 - 11:18 pm

not alright

why is it that people keep telling me that things are going to work out? They aren't going to work out. It's never going to happen. Things can't go back to the way they were. Today was one of the worst days in my existence. Why, you ask? Simply because I spent most of the day in my room crying. Crying over someone who could care less about me. Crying over the past that was so great and the future we'll never have. Crying because I am too stubborn to do what I need to do. Crying because it's been a long time since I had a good cry. So I escaped- I went out and forgot all about my crying. Now I'm home again- there is no escaping. It's all right here where I left it, waiting for me, as I wait for a phone call that will not come. As I wait for a hug that someone will not give me, as I wait for someone to whisper that "everything will be alright" and I believe them.

Something IS going to happen- sooner not later. I can almost taste it, like sour milk. Something bad. To whom, I cannot tell, but every night I have a horrible dream about someone I care about. It's not always the same person, but one of the few who mean something to me. Sometimes the dreams are about myself, but those don't bother me nearly as much as the others.

I just wish that people are right and "everything will be alright."

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